Rating The New Mega Pokémon
Pokemon X and Y releases this Saturday and will mark the biggest evolution (no pun intended) for the series yet. From the entirely 3D presentation to numerous gameplay tweaks, there's a ton of new stuff with one of the most significant additions being the new Mega evolutions. Basically, you use a special evolution stone on select pokémon during battles to transform them into ultimate whoop-ass forms that last the duration of the encounter. This concept intrigued me and while I haven't played much pokémon outside of the original Red/Blue/Yellow versions, I'm sure that's more than enough to make me an authority on all things pocket monsters. That said, here's my ratings on some of the new Mega forms.
As if Mewtwo wasn't powerful enough, he's one of the few pokémon to have two mega evolutions, depending on which version of the game you buy. Mega Mewtwo X (on the left) grows huge and gains the fighting attribute, making it an unfathomable cross between Charles Xavier and Chuck Norris. It's Y counterpart, on the other hand, shrinks into a wussy fetus-looking thing with a phallic head/tail. It also appears to have a handle so you can hang it in your closet forever after realizing you've made a huge mistake purchasing the Y version. Mewtwo X gains the Steadfast ability, which probably involves beating the tar out of fools with muscle-y, psychic attack-y things. Lame-o Y learns Insomnia, a move who's usefulness baffles me. Why would I want my opponent's pokémon to not only be more awake, but possibly agitated due to sleep deprivation?
Final Rating - A: And that's entirely for X. The Y version makes Mew look like Gyarados.
I had to double-check Mega Venusaur's picture several times to make sure I wasn't confusing it with regular Venusaur; they look almost exactly the same. Seriously, the only difference is that Mega V has more foliage on it's back. When did adding a few more leaves constitute being a Mega? To make matters worse, it's special ability is Thick Fat. How in the world is that helpful? Is downing a few dozen quarter pounders (with cheese) going to protect Venusaur from the inevitable beating it'll get when it crosses Mega Mewtwo X in a dark alley? If you think it will, you're clearly not the pokémon expert that I am and should probably quit playing the games before you embarrass yourself further.
Final Rating - F--: I've never like Venusaur much to begin with and X/Y could have been GameFreak's chance to finally make me give a damn about it, but his "Mega" form manages to be nothing more than a mega letdown.
Now that's more like it! Some of you may be thinking "Well SV, all they did was add a third cannon to Blastoise. How is that any different from merely adding leaves to Venusaur?" A fair question, but I'll counter with one of my own: Which is cooler, a leaf or a gigantic cannon? Mega Blastoise's special ability is Mega Launcher (which sounds infinitely better than stupid Thick Fat) and I look forward to mega launching Venusaur into a black hole where it won't annoy me with it's worthlessness.
Final Rating - B+: Exactly what it is: Blastoise + super duper cannon of doom.
HOW ON EARTH DID THEY MANAGE TO MAKE CHARIZARD EVEN MORE BADASS??? LOOK AT THESE THINGS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW *faints*
Okay, now that that's out of my system, DAMN. Mega Charizard X (right) uses Tough Claws, as in it's going to be tough for any pokémon to claw it's way out of the smoldering grave this poke-angel of death dug for it. Not to be outdone, Mega Charizard Y's ability is Drought - as in f**** you, I'm motherf****** Mega Charizard and I will end everything you have ever known.
Final Rating - A++: I will buy both versions of this game just to get my hands on these two behemoths. Simply incredible.
The hell is this thing?? I'm not even familiar with normal Mawile, but it's Mega form is downright terrifying. It's got demonic piranha plants for hair! Why doesn't dumb Mega Venusaur have something like that?! It's special ability is Huge Power, an attack that sounds like it could wipe an entire city off the face of the planet. Color me intimidated.
Final Rating - S: For scaring the crap out of me the first time I saw it.
Mega Ampharos is, evidently, mega fabulous. I feel completely inadequate just staring at it. Just look at those white, shimmering locks flowing in the wind; it's like the Daenerys Targaryen of pokémon. Mold Breaker is a fitting name for it's ability, as GameFreak clearly broke the mold creating this majestic creature that may or may not be good in an actual fight. But who cares when you've got looks like that? All Mega Ampharos needs is to have Shawn Michaels' Sexy Boy theme song to play every time it hits the field.
Final Rating - L: As in L'oreal, because Mega Ampharos is clearly worth it.
Blaziken AKA the flaming bird/totem pole-looking thing just got a lot more flaming and totem pole-y. It uses SpeedBoost and blah blah blah, oh who really cares. I think I speak for everyone when I say that nothing this pokémon does will ever top it's ridiculously amazing name. Just say it: Blaziken. Merely speaking it makes you feel like the greatest person on Earth, but what if it was your name? Think about how much better your sad life would be. I was planning to name my first child Blaziken, but now I may consider making that his/hers middle name and have the first be "Mega".
Final Rating - D: As in Divorce, which is in my future once I break those baby plans to my future wife, whomever that is.
Like that worthless husk Mega Venusaur, Mega Garchomp has little that sets it apart from it's standard form. The difference, though, is that Garchomp already looked tough without the use of performance-enhancing evolution stones. This murderous beast is like the pokémon I would have designed; it's covered in spikes, has giant blade-hands, a shark fin/tail, and missiles on the side of it's head. Mega Garchomp is a hodgepodge of all things whoopin'.
Final Rating - A: For being my dream pokémon. Also, lethal blade-hands.
Remember NeoPets? That's what this pokémon reminds me of for some reason. Anyway, Mega Absol is a Disaster Pokémon (whatever that means) and it's special ability is Magic Bounce, which sounds like a bad David Bowie song. Mega Absol has the unfortunate curse of being adorable, overly mysterious and mildly threatening all at once, so I can't help but feel like it'll be the subject of countless inappropriate fan fictions involving human love interest (if it isn't already).
Final Rating - E: For "EWWWWW, people aren't supposed to do that to pokemon!"
I have no words for this. Lucario was already one of my favorites of the newer generations and it's Mega form makes me want to print its smug visage on a flag and hang it outside my house. It's that cool.
Final Rating - C: As in "Cooler Than You".
Do you agree with my expert analysis or do you think I'm a total moron who has no idea what he's talking about and needs to get trapped in an elevator somewhere? Let me know in the comments below!